Witches' tits

Popped down to the beach this morning hoping there would be some left overs from the East swell we’ve had for the last few days. There wasn’t. Tiny windblown NE ripples were missing the bank entirely and slurping on to the steep beach. It prompted me to tweet “flat as a witches’ tit #surf” and I soon had a flurry of replies questioning how flat witches’ tits are? Gorik (@badinskas) had his own vision of witches being voluptuous, mysterious fantasy females (hated by repressed Catholic priests (think female and voluptuous maybe clues as to why they hate them ;))). I reckon he’s getting them muddled up with ‘sirens’ or ‘sylphs’.  Mr Von Shag (@johan_vonshag) just took it as red that I was an authority on them and was content to believe he now knew they were flat. 

I wondered where I heard this first and worked back to an old friend in the UK called Dudley who used to give me rides to the beach before I could drive. I believed everything he told me; he was 15 years older than me. But then I also remember it being backed up by the author Terry Pratchett in one of the Disc World novels. A young witch called Magrat Garlick who, much to the chagrin of her co-witches, was tall, blonde, slim and buxom, was derided as not looking much witchlike. Her ‘Wyrd Sisters’ were portly with big noses and saddle bags for mammarys. 

More research has revealed  that the phrase appears to have originated in the 1600’s, which, I’m sure you’re aware, was not a great time to be letting anyone know you’re a witch, unless you’re partial to immolation or can hold your breath for a bloody long time. Depictions and descriptions of witches had them firmly in the’ barren’ camp, not in the slightest bit fertile and an expansive chest  has always been considered a sure sign, along with wide hips and a big arse, of good breeding stock.

 And that for me just about wrapped it up.